Hope is a horrible thing.
I didn't know that until now. People always see it as a good thing, they say "things will get better" or "there is still a chance" and so we believe in that sliver of hope and it brings nothing but suffering. It aches. It sinks into your skin and engulfs your thoughts because you tricked yourself into believing in miracles when that miracle is a figment of your imagination. When I walk in the door each day I walk in with my shattered passion for English and immediate despair, because I thought maybe today was the day. Maybe there'd be a poem on the board, or a song playing. Maybe our desks would be fixed. Maybe he'd be sitting at his desk, eating his greek yogurt and drinking that water bottle with the green lid and paper towel around it. But he's not. He's not going to be again. I know this yet that hope of his return still clings to me, and it follows me around and constantly twists my mind into hurt I have never experienced before.
I wonder why I'm writing this. I wonder why I feel this way. I wonder if you feel this way, if you can embrace my thoughts with good and understanding hands. I hope you can. But hope is a horrible thing, because that means understanding hands must have felt what I feel now, this aching sorrow, and I don't wish it on anyone, but yet I hope that is so.
You are breaking my heart, Lauren. Please know that this was not of my choosing. And that I am very sorry that you and everyone else must endure this feeling of abandonment. I wish very much that it could be otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIt would be selfish for us to consider what’s going on as abandonment. I think Lauren’s point was more about the great teacher we haven’t been seeing rather than the not seeing part. I just wanted to say a big thanks for being such a great teacher, and also for replying to this post. The content is a bit disheartening but just hearing a response is what matters the most. It meant a lot to us.
DeleteBtw I don’t know if our blogs are still in easy access, but if you take a look at my page I would really appreciate it. Its pretty much whats been on my mind ever since the beginning of the year, and I wanted to share it. Thanks.
Perhaps I was transferring because it feels as if that is what I've done to you all. But the beauty of an intellectual community is that it knows no boundaries, and these blogs are entirely your own.
DeleteAnd remember that rumors are rarely based on fact.
ReplyDelete